Hello, my name is Kate and I'm a coffee snob.
I didn't see it coming.
A couple years ago, I'd go out to breakfast with my dad and he had a very narrow list of places we could go, places whose coffee he had deemed worthy. It seemed ridiculous. "Dad, they have DONUTS. Who cares about their coffee?" [collective gasp]
These were the days I indulged in gas station cappuccinos and McDonald's introduced McCafe and I had a 20 year old, 12 cup Coffeemate coffeemaker and it was all caffeinated and it was all delicious.
But then a couple weeks ago, I got into an argument on whether Starbucks and McDonald's had the same quality of coffee on Instagram. INSTAGRAM, people: the highly popular photography social media platform that exudes optimism and a supportive environment. That's where I chose to get all CAPS LOCK on some guy who said Starbucks overcharges since "you can get the same thing at McDonald's."
...
Besides the fact that this guy would probably give lauds to the ol' SB for their amazing employee benefits package yet hates everything good in life, HE'S WRONG.
Check it: McDonald's small iced coffee (16 oz.) does have coffee and cream in it, but it also has a slew of emulsifiers (which makes it easier to water their coffee down). Not to mention that it has about 40 less milligrams of caffeine than a SB iced coffee, which means IT HAS LESS COFFEE IN IT.
Not the same.
I'm not all "Oh, Starbucks is the greatest thing ever" because what is this contraption?
You're going to make iced coffee by making hot coffee and then adding ice? Bullshit. That's some watered down coffee, rookie.
Cold brew is where it's at, therefore you could get one of these:
A high-falutin' cold brew "system". It's top-heavy, but it makes great coffee.
Or let's get crazy and recommend one of these new-fangled babies:
That's right, my lovelies. A French press is my preferred method. Cold or hot brewed, the 100 year old routine of making slightly sludgy coffee and swearing while you clean it out is the best (and might I say, most ecologically sound) way to make your cup of joe.
If you're like "screw you, Kate - where can I BUY a great cold coffee?!" I'd frown at your discourteousness and direct you (with a particular finger) towards Dunn Bros. Coffee because their cold press is chocolatey, sweet, and smoky with nothing in it.
(But go all out and get their Iced Nirvana during their 3-5pm happy hour [it's all half off!] or go to Peace Coffee and get their similar Sweet Cream Iced Coffee)
But just in case you are feeling über-European and AWESOME, you could make psuedo-espresso (please don't say "expresso", it makes you sound like an ass... who can't read) with this adorable unit:
Similar to my ukulele obsession, owning (and overusing) a shiny Moka pot is NECESSARY. Necessary, y'all.
How do you take your coffee? Are you a total weirdo, like my husband, and not drink it? What's your stance on tea?
