No, I'm not asking for money. Again. I actually received a request (from an awesome lady) to write about making bread. Like the kind with dough. That you make with flour.
I laughed when she asked me because I've been trying to make french bread for a couple months and have been failing at it. It's not so much that the bread doesn't get made; it's that I make it and it doesn't look like french bread. Stranger still, is that it tastes like french bread, but I want it to look the part, dammit!
I think I've discovered some key steps, because I really made French Bread this time...
Bread doesn't have complicated ingredients. It's just flour, yeast, sugar, oil and water.
There's a million recipes for bread out there. They're all pretty much the same. I used this one.
Since you're working with yeast, you throw it in some warm water with sugar to... do what yeast does. (I really don't know what the process is, but that's what you do). Recipes always give you the temperature the warm water should be, but who wants to use a thermometer? Not this girl. Warm= baby bath water. Not scalding. Not cold. More than room temperature.
Then, recipes will tell you to let the yeast/sugar/water sit until "foamy," anywhere from 5-10 minutes. Not specific enough! I say, leave it until you turn around to look at it and say "Oh, sugar!" because you think you left it too long and it is about to overflow its container.
Here's a picture of it just mixed together and a couple minutes later, where it is almost "foamy" enough.
Now, if you don't have one of these swanky mixers, get your workout pants on because you're going to knead them. Oh, delightful puns!
You want your bread to be "smooth and elastic" after kneading it for "about 6 minutes." There might be a science to kneading, but I'm inspired by those salt water taffy machines at the fair and my anger at bad drivers, so just start smooshing that lump of flour any which way you like. "Smooth and elastic" means that the dough that your hands were covered in when you started is now able to be peeled off and stuck in the big ball of dough and doesn't so much stick to your hands. It also means that you're pretty sure your arms will be sore tomorrow from all the pushing and prodding and pulling you've done.
Next, you can put in a bowl and walk away. Give the kids a bath, the dog a bath, walk the husband, clean the attic, whatever. But give it some time. When you turn around to look at it and say "Oh, sugar!" because you think you left it too long and it is about to overflow its container, it has risen enough.
Then you punch it in the face. It's very satisfying.
Make your loaves. I really like to put cornmeal on pan, so the bottom crust is super crunchy.
Drink some wine while you let it rise again, like a phoenix! (That's for you, Nea.)
Bake it. It's done when it makes a hollow sound when you tap it. Seriously. Try it.
And oh, sugar, it was good.
Lessons learned? Fuhgeddaboudit! Mix stuff up and leave it until you say, "Oh, sugar!" Like how I do laundry ("when did I put that in the dryer? oh, I didn't").
Some of you have asked how I turned out in the CBS contest (the link in the left corner). I don't find out until tomorrow, so I'll let you know then! Thanks for voting!
